Iron Man 3 is everything that is wrong with Marvel films / by Aaron Bouchard

It is about this time after a film comes out, that sites that hyped a film form the day it was a rumor until its release, come out with their list of what was wrong with said movie. It is almost a guarantee. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuated by them and only them. A deadly cycle that continues unbelievable hype begotting unimaginable disappointment, only to be forgotten a week later as the rumor begins to circulate that this one was had some problems and the next one will definitely be better.

Let us not be coy or mince words: I am speaking directly about Iron Man 3 and everything else coming out of the Marvel machine. I will use Iron as a whipping boy, take it to task for being everything Marvel and its affiliates give us each year as the best they can do. This is not to point out what I believe the film did wrong, let it not be mistaken: I was never looking forward to the film, I did not like the film, and I have struggled to remember what happened during the two audience-tested and advertiser-approved hours. 

What gets me every year is that a vast majority of people (mostly the fan-boys) shrug because they believe this is the best we can get. “Another Spiderman movie?” They whine, “well I will give them my money again, but this will be the LAST time!” Does anyone remember Rise of the Planet of the Apes? People wrote it off because it took more than three days to say the title and the most interesting part of our last fling with the Apes and their planet was the Tim Burton/ Kevin Smith slap-fight/pissing-match. What Apes gave us was the most shocking and story-driven cinema to come out of the American system in a very long time and people actually liked it. THAT, folks, is what we deserve.

 Iron Man 3 and Marvel assume at this point that we just really want to watch the origin story again because we already forgot about it.  Even with The Avengers, they spend a good twenty minutes of the movie recounting how we got to this point because Grandma never had any interest in seeing any superhero movie until now The Avengerscame out. Since Iron was financed primarily by foreign (Chinese) money, the film literally has to be the multi-culture team; offending no one and having a weird pro-government moral system. This is not to say film should be like the recent 2012 Red Dawn remake; racist to a fault and offending everyone who is not white, but by filmmakers and studios pretending there is not other philosophical threats out there (unregulated science, corporate-political interests, not enough ‘Full House’ reruns, etc…), we are just going to keep going after the mutant/alien villain because they do not only believe in freedom (or govn’t approved freedom, depending on where you are reading this). They do not look like us, which is pure evil in and of itself.

Iron Man 3 manages to keep itself thrill-free by making sure no one dies, except the secondary characters who are introduced at the beginning of the film with the sole intention of dying or people who died before the film began. This is true with all Marvel films, a credible threat is never established because films seems to fear that by putting anyone in danger for more than thirty seconds will turn its audience off. In one sequence toward the end of Iron Man 3, Air Force One is blown up, twenty or so innocent people are hurtling toward the ground, and Iron Man can only hold onto four of them. This scene was a panicle moment; a moral dilemma in a Marvel film! What will Iron Man do? This will be tough! Through what I am sure will become a pillar of the sheer power of pure stupidity, Iron Man is able to save everyone. No threat. Keep it light, keep it boring. Also bad Guy Piece dies three or four times. Why? Who knows? It does not matter anyway.

In three years we will get another Iron Man film. I hope that one is co-financed by earthlings, mutants, and aliens. It would force us to acknowledge a current and true evil.

Or it just means Iron Man will fight mole-people.